Baby Routine and Ritual
Leading up to the birth of our now 2-year-old, my wife and I were reading and watching everything we could find about looking after a newborn. While in an information session run by our hospital, another soon-to-be-parent asked a question. They said they were extremely routine-driven, and asked if there was any way they could keep their routine. After a hearty chuckle from the nurse, they were told no, their routine would be going out the window. I now think this was a terrible response. Not because it was wrong, but because of what was missing. Part of your job as a parent is to work with your child to find the new routine.
I remember thinking at around the 4-month mark that we had a miracle baby. She'd go down to sleep at night easily and we'd get an uninterrupted night about once a week. When she did wake at night, it was usually only once or twice. Less than a month later, I was ready to perform a sacrifice to any deity that would listen. We were getting sleep in 1- to 2-hour stretches, then needing to spend 30 minutes settling her again (exercise balls are a life changer). This continued for about 6 months. We tried a bunch of things. We tracked sleep fanatically trying to figure out when we should put her down for her next nap. We tried watching for the mystical tired signs to let us know when to put her down.
At around the 10-month mark, something had to give. My wife and I were exhausted. Our baby was unhappy. Things that once served us, no longer did. Even my wife nursing her to sleep wasn't working anymore. One night, I put our daughter down in her cot, lay down next to her on the floor and was as boring as possible. When she started complaining I'd still do nothing (sometimes singing lullabies, but not directly interacting). Mostly she was trying to get my attention and get me to interact with her. One thing I didn't do was fill my wife in on my plan, definitely something I should have done. She was reasonably annoyed at the change of strategy without discussion. Fortunately, the new tactic worked and we all had a blissful, desperately needed night of sleep.
We continued this strategy for a few weeks. Things improved. We were getting better sleep, but still dreaded nap time. Steeling ourselves for 10 to 20 minutes of complaining and crying while laying on the floor next to our daughter. It was heartbreaking not to hold her and bounce her to sleep, but our theory was that at least by laying next to her, she'd be comforted and know we hadn't abandoned her. After some research (and better sleep) we realised that us laying in the room next to her was holding her back. Everytime we scratched our nose or moved, we were unwittingly stimulating her and distracting her from learning the skill she had to practise herself: getting to sleep.
Sleep training is such a polarising subject between parenting styles. I can only speak from our own experience, and I know that both my wife and I need more than stolen snatches of sleep to be good spouses and parents. So, we started sleeping training in earnest. Say good night, put her down and leave the room. Keeping an ear out for crying, but only going in after 5 minutes. The very first night we tried she got herself to sleep without us needing to go in once. If you're looking for tips here, try The Happy Sleeper by Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright. It's a great resource.
From here, we built both a routine and a ritual. Our night time routine has now been consistent for about a year. Dinner, bath then in bed by 7:30. Of a day we've changed the routine depending on her sleep requirements as she's grown. We've gone from a 40 minute nap around 10am and a 90 minute nap around 12:30 when she was 11 months. To a 10 minute nap around 10am and a 2 hour nap around 12:30 when she was 14 months. To what we have now, a 2 to 2.5 hour nap at 12:30 when she was 18 months. Another parent friend of ours calls this her “lunch break”.
We've kept the bedtime ritual consistent for over a year now too. We have dinner together, then either my wife or I will give our daughter a well-needed bath and brush her teeth. While we dress her in pyjamas, we sing the same three songs (Twinkle Twinkle, ABC, and one of our own creation) in the same order. Then, we cuddle while reading a book, have a last drink of water (one for her toys too, of course). Then we ask her to put her “sleeping friends”, Winnie and Lovey and herself into bed. Followed by a final kiss on the cheek and leaving the room.
For our next child, I'll be looking to put in place a routine much earlier. It isn't recommended to begin sleep training before the 4 - 6 month mark as babies aren't ready to learn to self-soothe before then. But, I'll be trying to work with them to find a routine, which admittedly will change frequently during the first 6 - 12 months. We'll also need to work to ensure our eldest daughter still has the stable routine that's been working so well for our family in the last few months.
Routine and ritual give your child a solid foundation from which they can grow from.